Welcome to Dallas, please remember your seats can be used as a flotation device. I believe we are now officially a tropical climate. It has been raining here for about 3 weeks, the temperature is in the 80's (which is really good considering it was 110^ 10 years ago), and my yard has yet to need watering. I'm thinking about planting some cocoanut trees in the ground to see if they will grow. The humidity is so bad that I don't need to dream of going to beach; I smell it when I step outside. The cement is now a familiar "wet look" and I can't remember what it looks like dry. I kinda enjoy it. I just wish I could see more of the sun - I'm a sun addict. We need tropical birds here too. Someone let the rainforest know there is a new candidate. I remember in history about reading how Texas was once a big ocean. I often wonder what it would look like if the water level of the earth was raised 15 feet. I can imagine getting in a boat and rowing to work, just like Venice. Instead of radios we could have gondola players in our boats. We could create a new language to go with our new atmosphere. I'm thinking a mix between Italian and the language people use in the Congo. I'll call it Italgo. I should go out and buy a life preserver. With this weather I think it just might happen.

Thought of the day
"We can strap her to the roof. It's not like it's going to rain."
--Vacation

Do you ever notice that things that were popular in the Middle Ages are now coming back? Take leeches for example. They've now been approved by the FDA for medical use. St. John's Wort, Echinacea, Kava Kava and all of those other herbs you see in the pharmacy could probably be found in a book of spells made from witches in the 1300s. How about the Atkins carnivorous meat diet -- the diet of the caveman. Check out your local GNC and see people buying shark cartilage and fish oils. I'm surprised we still have electricity. New studies say that cell phones are a health hazard. Baby powder, disposable diapers, eating honey, all can be bad for you. And yet, out of all of these health crazes I can see only one result - we are all getting fatter and more unhealthy. I say we go further back in time and go more natural. I mean, people who lived 5000 years ago surely must've had better health because everything was natural then. Let's all hunt our own food, skin it, and cook it over a fire while chanting incantations to the sun god Ra. Then we can strip down to our underwear, paint our faces and dance around the fire going ,"ooga booga." Who needs a home, lets get the family unit back together by becoming a clan and live in caves. We could all take caveman names. I shall be called "Lar - King of the Little Ponies"

Thought of the day
"What is she like? Tell me about her."
"Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty."
- TV Elaine and Jerry, on the real Elaine, in "The Pilot"

So there I was, your humble narrator, going on vacation to the land of mosquito's - Minnesota. I had packed everything, even my mother. Now for those of you who don't know my mother, she is pretty cool, she just needs help getting around. I, being the good son that I am, took it upon myself to wheel her around the airport. I'll start off with the airport. Having a mother that requires a wheelchair has certain fringe benefits. We get to go through the employee lines, we get seated first on the plane and sometimes someone else gets to push her. The only problem is when I have to wheel two suitcases behind me while pushing her in front of me. Talk about a contest for the strongman competition. So there I was, in the airport, trying to get on a tram. So I push her in and she's facing the wall. The doors are about to shut and the luggage train behind me isn't in yet. Mom's like "The luggage! Don't forget the luggage!" So I lasso the handles of the luggage and basically throw them into the tram hitting some innocent bystanders. Luckily they just looked at me like "You poor thing." Now we're in the plane. Those plane seats are oftly tiny. My mom, God bless her, is kinda heavy and let me say, I was squished like a piece of cheese in a taco. I basically sat sideways on the plane for 2 hours. When we land in Minnesota I get her in a wheelchair and push it to the designated baggage claim, Gate 13, from Gate 1. Once at Gate 13 it says the luggage has been moved and is at Gate 2, a mile away. So basically I'm doing laps in the airport with a wheelchair and a laptop at my side. I finally get the luggage train going and go pick up the rental car. Ok, now we're situated in the car, an Ultima. My seat has all these buttons for adjusting so I get it right. I take off down the highway. Mom, of course, is uncomfortable and wants to adjust her seat. So I say, "It's got these buttons, just lean forward and adjust them" unfortunately it didn't have a button, it was one of those leaver seats. She leans forward, pulls the leaver, the seat pushes her forward. She's like pushed up to the dash, her seatbelt choking her, while I'm on the highway going 55 in heavy traffic, "Brian, can't breathe" I'm like,"Just push the button the other way" "The button doesn't go another way! There is no other way!" So she pulls the lever again and pushes and naturally the chair goes all the way back to the reclining position. But, my mom is like "I still can't breathe, I need to sit up" "Push it the other way" "There is no other way! Still can't breathe" "I'm in heavy traffic, what do you want me to pull over?" Finally she sits up, pulls the leaver while I take my arm and push the seat up. All is well and we head off into the sunset, wiser, knowing now that all seats are not created equal.

Thought of the day
"You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We must go forward, not back."
- George, in "The Airport"

Since I've been stuck in the world of the past I figure I would continue on with the diatribe. Seventh grade was a big change. I actually went out and joined the football team, probably because my step-brothers and step father were football fanatics. That was when I met Peetey and Mr.Turkentine. Nintendo was the big thing. Pee Wee Herman was huge as well. Peetey always could do a good Pee-Wee imitation and the kids all gathered round when he did it. It was during that time that I introduced my new friends to the horrors of step-parentdom. Now my stepfather Robbie was not always mentally sound. I guess it was the beer, but he used terminology that confused and entertained all of my friends. He would often use terms like "My side is going to the store." He would talk about himself, not only in the third person, but also only half of him. His favorite things to do were to turn off the power to house, pour beer on my head, and to take a hose inside the house and flood my room. He liked waking up at midnight to come out to the living room and turn off the TV while we were watching it. Then he would proceed to sit right in front of a turned off TV. I always thought he would make a good ghost. I seem to remember he had this thing about making my friends eat whole onions. He would offer them a dollar if they could eat a whole onion. I never understood it. I tell you sometimes I am amazed how I managed to survive those years. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It didn't matter, I had a window that I always climbed out whenever he would go on a "rampage". I always laughed cause he would sit in front of my closed bedroom door and talk the whole time and I wasn't even there.

Thought of the Day
Pee-wee: The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...
Pee Wee's Big Adventure

My tooth has been bothering me lately so I decided to go to the dentist this morning. I wanted a new dentist as my last one gave me a root canal that had pain for 9 months. I even thought I had a nerve disease as a result of it. So I go in for my initial appointment today an low and behold - I get a supermodel dentist. It's one of those weird things that you never see. It's like looking at those hot sheriffs in the movies and thinking to yourself - any women that hot is not going to be a sheriff. You can tell right away they're an actress. Not only is she hot, but she is nice as well, a double threat girl. So I'm thinking to myself, would she date me? Then I realized why I was there - because I have a rotten tooth and need a root canal. See, I would never date a girl that goes "What's a computer?" because I need to have at least respect for what I do. If I was a dentist I'd only go out with girls that have good teeth. Oh well, at least I have something good to look at while she is jamming pliers down my throat and ripping my tooth out. Then I can picture her winking at me and going "All better :)" I'm hot for dentist.

Thought of the day
"Magellan? You like Magellan?"
"Oh yeah, my favorite explorer. Around the world, come on. Who do you like?"
"I like DeSoto."
"DeSoto? What did he do?"
"Discovered the Mississippi."
"Oh, like they wouldn't have found that anyway."
- George and Jerry, in "The Boyfriend"

How many of you have a friend who knows everything about everything useless? He's like the master at the Jeopardy category "Potpourri" Let's call him Peety. I'll say who won the Oscar for best soundtrack in 1984 and he'll be like "Harvey Finkelstein" and I'll be "Where on earth did you come up with that." I think I know what he does. He's the one who stays at the end of the movie reads the credits and memorizes them. Not about movies either, he'll know what Paul Mccartney's maid's name is. He'll know who sung "Land Down Under" in the 80's. Or "Red Red Wine". If I'm ever on "Who wants to be a millionaire" I'll call him to answer all of the entertainment questions. It kind of makes me think about me being in a band. Maybe there's someone out there 10 years from now who will ask the question "Who was the lead guitarist for Corporate Red?" and he'll have a friend who will be like "That's easy, Brian Bass" As for me I am retarded in the world of entertainment. If I'm asked to play the "Kevin Bacon" game all I say is "you know, that guy, in that movie" or I can go with my old standby "Gene Hackman" because he's in everything.

Thought of the day
"What street are you on?"
"I'm on First and First. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!"
- Jerry and a lost Kramer, in "The Maid"

Ok, I admit it, I haven't seen the new movie "Dodgeball". I don't know if I will either. There's just too much trauma involved. I remember as a kid getting picked last in the ole playground dodgeball match. I was a little plump from 3rd-5th grade. Anyways, that gave the kids ample time to learn the art of beaning me in the head with that big hard red rubber ball. I remember the familiar sting of the ball bouncing off of my cheek with enough force to hit another kid as well. I can't even remember the kids names who did it - it's all a blur. I can just see it - a therapy session - "Doc, they just kept on hitting me, hitting me, hitting me. I'd try to run and I couldn't get away. Finally they held me down and whamo! My face is now as red as the ball." I seem to remember playing "Four-Square" with that ball and dreading the words "Let's Play Dodgeball." Nowadays those kids are probably the ones that are washing my car! Ha, justice is sweet.

Thought of the day
"So you feel 'women and children first' in this day and age is somewhat of an antiquated notion."
"To some degree."
"So, basically, it's every man, woman, child and invalid for themselves."
"In a manner of speaking."
"Well, that's honest."
"She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals."
"Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center she'll see things more clearly."
- Jerry and George, in "The Fire"

What in the world? After reading this article (click here) all I've got to say is wow, Madonna has flipped her lid. As a kid I would watch her sing "Like a Virgin" and think, man she's hot. Now, I just can't picture an Esther singing that. I have a great Aunt Esther. It'd be like her calling up and singing ,"I'm your mama material girl" Apparently she's changed her name because of religious reasons, kinda like Malcolm X. I wonder if she still stimulates herself onstage to "Like a Virgin"? I don't really like it when musicians bring politics or religion into their shows. I mean I came to hear you sing not listen to a political lecture or go to your church. I wonder if Madonna will start praying on stage, or prophesing. She'll be in the middle of "Vogue", stop singing, and speak in a low tone "I say unto you, there will be a jam in the parking lot after the show." If this name changing thing catches on everyone will be doing it. Maybe I'll change my name. How about a Star Wars name like Obi-Wan or Anakin? From now on I'll be known as Obi-Wan Bass, but you can call me "Ben".

Thought of the day
Elaine Dickinson: May I offer you anything to read, ma'am?
Old lady: Do you have anything light?
Elaine Dickinson: How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends?"
--Airplane

I was reading an article about El Paso calling it the world's sweatiest city. As someone who has been there I have to say they are correct. It's that and more. I'd call it the dirtiest city as well - for some reason being close to mexico brings dirt in, I call it mexican dirt. It tends to cover cars and when it rains and turns everything into mud. They kinda stopped short of calling it the worlds stinkiest city but I think we all can figure that one out. This whole thread leads me to one conclusion - Why on earth would anyone want to live there? I know this girl who went to Texas Tech with me and she was from there and actually moved back! I couldn't find any sane reason for doing so. There is a mountain an hour away. Maybe its the location to the mountain? There is also colorful graffiti covering the whole town. Apparently a rite of passage when someone comes from Mexico into the US is to write your name or gang's name in big letters on all the buildings and roadways. That way we all know who is living in the town. Maybe it's a sign of ownership, kinda like when we went to the moon and put a flag on it. You know, this is Jose's bridge - see he put his name on it.

Thought of the day
"Deep river. My home is over Jordon. Peee yeew, what smells in here. Russ, your feet, your feet Russ."
- Vacation

Ok, so it's summertime. It's about 90^ here in Dallas. And that isn't as hot as it's going to get. What I don't get is why do I have a cold in the middle of summer? I think we shouldn't say I have a "cold". We should say I have a "warm" or something. Usually people get them in winter and thus it's appropriate, but summer it's not. I think being warm is actually good for a cold. You know, all bundled up, clearing up congestion. Then when a cold gets worse we call it the "flu". Who comes up with these? I know I don't feel like flying, or like an opening on an oven. Maybe it's because your supposed to get fluids when your sick. I think the origin goes like this: Sick Guy One,"My cold is getting worse, what do you think I need to take for it?" Sick Guy Two "flu..." drops over dead. And thus that is how the word flu came to be. Maybe a better word would be "frozens" to go with the word cold or "melted" to go with the word warm. I like "melted." It sounds cool. If you die of it, it would sound better as well. "Doc what'd he die of?" "Oh, he was melted." Heh, maybe not...

Thought of the day
"What are you looking at? You never seen a kid in a bubble before?"
- Donald the bubble boy, in "The Bubble Boy"

At match.com they have this thing called a wink. Every time you see someone you're interested in you are supposed to click a wink button and it'll send them an email that says "soandso" winks at you. I guess that is an online flirt kinda thing, but I'm thinking of carrying this over to real life. Maybe make business cards with a picture of you winking and the text "Brian winks at you." It's like in real life no one is sure why anyone is winking. One time I was at a club and had something in my eye. I could've sworn this girl thought I was winking at her - then she looked away (ouch, dissed). Sometimes I see girls that look like they're winking at me. Turned out that I was sitting at a window with sunlight coming through and she was just squinting. Other times they're messing with their contacts and looking right at you. If you just see em after they mess with it then it looks like not only that they are winking at you, but also crying as well. Talk about mixed signals. Anyways, I think I'll market this as a "Wink" card that people can order so we all can get the real meaning of a wink - flirting.

Thought of the day
"I'd rather be dating the blind. You know, you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her."
"I think she'd figure it out."
- George and Elaine, in "The Wink"

So there I was, at the new Harry Potter movie, waiting for a real plot to arise, waiting for a climax, for a resolution, that never came. However, it was better than the second movie which had too much yaking (see emetophobia eww). It had good effects, it just didn't have a plot. Last night I dreamt the kid who plays Harry Potter was doing an interview on the red carpet and he was huge. He looked like 300lbs. In the interview he said when he was doing the movie the cast would only let him eat 300 calories a day and this was his way of getting back at them. I think I dreamt it because I was thinking the other day about how he is the series bread and butter. If Harry Potter gets fat, hits puberty, grows a mustache, starts drinking heavily, or shaves his head the movie series would be over. He probably has all these movie producers sending spies to make sure he eats right and exercises. That is a great idea for a diet: have a movie series. I'm not that concerned about my looks and weight, but maybe if a whole cast of people were it might make me get in shape for my next movie. So that's the solution America. Let's all star in a movie series!

Thought of the day
"Mr. Wally he treated me like a dog, he humiliated my human decencies"
"Normally I get sick on all your rides, but this time a didn't get sick"
- Vacation

I was watching the Crocodile Hunter Movie last night (I'd give it 2 outa 4 - it kinda ended like it ran out money) and also watched South Park (the one with Michael Jackson). Then I remembered a scene on Entertainment Tonight where Steve Irwin put his baby's head in the crocodiles mouth and the scene where Michael Jackson dangles his kid over the balcony. I think the two should get together and make their own show. Call it "The King of Pop Hunter". Steve Irwin could stake out Michael Jackson's backyard, pounce on Jackson, hold him down and say "Crickey look at this sheila, wait no it's a male. Wow, look at his color, this is a rare specimen. Look at his nose, this one has had plastic surgery done, don't want to touch that thing or it just might fall off. Oh look he starting to say something." "Hee hee hee. Hoooooooooo!" "I think I better leave this one alone. It looks like he hasn't had a sheila in a long time. Look at the texture of his hands, wow, it's so smooth. Crikey, I hope his kids aren't watching, that'd be cause for alarm. Ok, let's let him go. Off you go now, don't do anything I wouldn't do.." "Hooooooooo!"

Thought of the day
"This woman called me every night"
"Every night? On the telephone?"
"What dis boy talkin bout on the telephone?"
--Weird Science

Last night I watched a very weird movie called Bubba Ho-Tep. In it Bruce Campbell played Elvis Presley as an old man in a retirement home in east Texas. He battled a cowboy mummy with a black JFK as an old man. It was very off the wall and had a good mix of comedy and horror. But all this leads me to think there has to be at least one celebrity that faked his own death. Who would it be? Tupoc? If you put a mirror over half of his name it says :IIIBOK - aha he is ok! Nah, Curt Kobain? Well, he did release a new album last year.. Jimi Hendrix? I wish. I think a real celebrity death has to be someone who is finished being a celebrity. Someone who was on the verge of being washed up. Someone who had enough put away to go into retirement on a good note. Someone who couldn't achieve any more status. I think I know who it is. Get ready. Bob Hope! Being 100 was the last great thing he could achieve. So he figured, I might as well fake my death and watch all the hoopla before I die. After I die it'll be pointless. So there you have it. Bob Hope is alive and well and living in a retirement home in east Texas.

Thought of the day
"Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word manure. It's newer, which is good, and a ma in front of it. Ma-Newer. When you consider the other choices, manure is actually pretty refreshing."
- George, in "The Soup"

You ever notice how gas prices are really high? I think we all do. Well, I think I might have come up with a solution. This solution will change the world so tell your neighbors. Not only will it solve the gas crisis it will also solve the obesity crisis as well. Basically it's made of lightweight plastic, has bicycle wheels and high end chains on it. You sit in it and it doesn't have a floor. You start it by putting your feet on the ground and yell "yabba dabba doo!" before you take off. Then you move your legs really fast without touching the ground. When you're ready you put your feet on the ground and away you go. No gas, no pesky solar power. It's perfect. Now granted, in order to get from one end of Dallas to another it'll take a whole day, but it's worth it, maybe? Act now and order your own "Flintstone Car 2004". Supplies are going fast!

Thought of the day
"Did I leave the iron on?" - Airplane

As a single guy I tend to peruse the match.com postings looking for that special girl. All I seem to find are big, pale, elementary school teachers who love to go fishing, go hiking, and watch and play football. If they love the outdoors how come on their pictures they are so pale? I think there might be something going on here... Whenever I go fishing I don't see a gaggle of single girls sitting at the pier. It's not like I'm really outdoorsy anyways, heck I'm a city boy. I also think there are a lot of hard-up teachers because I'd say 80% of the women I get matched up with are teachers. I know a ton of teachers and I can see why. They always seem to talk about their kids like they are really their kids; if your not a teacher you will become bored or even scared. Their after work activities seem to be at one or the other extreme. It's like they all have their cats and either stay home or are too wild and party every night. Then on their ads they're like "I like to go to sports bars, drink beer, watch football and scratch myself." I think I'm going to look for someone who says "I like to control the relationship. I tend to boss my man around. I will be treated like an equal but expect you to pay for everything. I am pale because I am afraid of spiders." Now that's honest. Maybe too honest? Hmmm, maybe it's better if we're lied to...

Thought of the day
"I am now telling the computer exactly what it can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate."
Willy Wonka

I went to the Crossroads Guitar Festival this weekend and I was really amazed. I'd like to think that this will be placed next to Woodstock in the annals of music events - minus the naked mud wrestling, rain, and Hendrix. The highlight of the evening was when Santana and Clapton jammed together. It was surreal how good these guys were together. When B.B. King jammed with Clapton, Jimmy Vaughan, and Buddy Guy the whole crowd went wild. It's amazing these guys still play at their age. I mean B.B. King is like 76 - he started when he was sixteen. That means he's been playing for 60 years. He sits down on stage and his voice is still gold. If I'm still playing at that age I'll be able to die a happy man. One funny thing. Why is it when crowds hear the artist say their location they have to scream? B.B. King was singing a song and it went like this "I'm trying to find my baby, where is she? In the Cotton Bowl?"..crowd screams.."Where is she? In Dallas Texas?"..crowd screams. I don't know why I find it funny. I guess it's just so obvious, like when your uncle has your nose, where we are.

Thought of the day
"The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?"
"It's true."
"That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named Cone."
- Kramer and the Librarian, in "The Library"

The other day I was in line at the pharmacy at Walmart waiting to get my prescription filled and this really old lady was in front of me. Let's call her Stella. All is quiet and then Stella steps up to the plate. "Young Man! I have been standing here for an hour where is my prescription. This is unacceptable! I can't believe I've been waiting this long. This is unacceptable!" She not only says it, she whines it. I mean a "my kitty kat was killed" kind of whine. A "I'm gonna tell on you" "You took my lollipop" "I want my blankie" kind of whine. You should've seen the guy behind the counters look. His mouth was wide open, eyes were buggy and fear gripped him like a deer caught in headlights. Everyone in line fell silent as an homage to the uncomfortable whinings by Stella. We all realized, even her, how uncomfortable it was. He regained what little composure he had left and said "It'll be ready soon". "Well I guess I'll just have to wait." He should've said, "Only if you use your indoor voice." You think uncomfortable silences are weird on a date, try uncomfortable whinings in real life. That's where the real drama is.

Reporter: Tell me, how did you find America?
John Lennon: Turned left at Greenland.
~ "A Hard Day's Night"

During an average day bacteria freely migrates all over our bodies and everything we touch. It gets transferred when we touch a doorknob, pick our noses, shake hands and even type on a keyboard. Not just bacteria, virii and dead skin cells move about as well. Somehow we have cells in our bodies that kill these invaders all the time. It seems to me that our bodies go through an awful lot of trouble just to get rid of these pests. Then what do we do? We willfully ingest bacteria for lunch. It's like we don't care about our little cells. We want fruit flavored bacteria! We'll not me. I hate yogurt. blech.

Thought of the day
"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"

Hey all, I'd like to announce an entrance into this crazy world. Meet my new nephew Thomas Alden Burnett, born today at 11:06am, weighing in at 7lbs 9ounces 20.5 inches long. He was born at the Mayo Clinic way up there in Minnesota. They say he has black hair and is really hungry. Meet the challenger "Ed", a catfish I caught in Lake Lewisville, weighing in at 10lbs, 16 inches long, with fins that sting. You ever notice how fish proportions are equal to babies? I've never had kids, but I always get excited when I catch a big fish. I imagine having a kid feels the same, except you can't throw em back and kids tend to not like hooks in their mouths. What's cool about Thomas is he's got my middle name, born in the same state I was born, born 4 days after me, and likes to sleep. He's already off to a good start!

"Narrator: Aunt Clara had for years not only perpetually labored under the delusion that I was 4 years old, but also a girl.
Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mother: He does not!
Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!"
-- A Christmas Story

Today is June 3,2004. Time for my sister to have her baby! Woot! Ok, you wonder how do I know it's time? Because that's when she scheduled it with the doctor. Pretty weird. It has something to do with a guy named Ceaser who liked to deliver babies. I think he also has a haircut and a salad. For some reason they call this procedure a Cesarian section. I'm guessing they call it this because Ceaser is most noted of being stabbed in the back by Brutus. Since the doctors have to use a knife its obvious, why not call it a ceasarian. Now the salad thing gets to me. I can understand the haircut - looks like him. I can understand the section - he was stabbed. But the salad? The only thing I can think of is that leafy thing he wore as a crown. Maybe one day back in roman times after Brutus stabbed Ceaser he took his leafy crown, put salad dressing on it, and ate it. Thus forming the world's first Ceaser salad.

Thought of the Day
"Do you see what I'm looking at?"
"Yeah, lunch!"
--Look Who's Talking

Summertime is here! Time to get a barbecue up an running every day. Here in Texas, it's also time to enjoy sitting in a 120 degree car that feels like a sauna. You know I just realized as I type this that the makers of computer keyboards forgot one simple key. The degree symbol. You know that little circle above a temperature. That's really freaky. It's like they have all these keys that really no one uses like ~ and ^ and | but there is no way of showing how hot it is outside. I think we should replace that symbol with another one. So instead of writing degree we could say it like this - "Here in Texas, it's also time to enjoy sitting in a 120^ car that feels like a sauna." eh, maybe not...

"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker" - Willy Wonka

Last night I decided to watch the last three episodes of Enterprise (I had it tivo'd). Having not have seen the show in months I had to refresh my memory as to why this season was bad. Basically the whole season was one big episode. Nothing new, just small plots built around one big plot. But in watching three episodes at once I discovered that they should have made it into movies. 3 hour long movies. It was actually good when watched in continuation. Until the end of course. I was expecting an end to this long charade . Nope, they have to go and pull the old-star-trek-can't-think-of-anything-new stuff of time travel back into the 20th century. Come On People! I mean I know we have such a big ego that we think everything revolves around our old century, but to have everything relate to it? We've seen it over and over again. Holodeck stuff, time travel, saving the world, aliens that look like deformed humans, a logical person, an emotional person and a captain that disobeys orders. I could write a star trek episode in my sleep. Now that I've proven I'm a geek, I think I'll surf some more.

Thought of the day
"Do women know about shrinkage?"
"What do you mean, like laundry?"
"No..."
"Like when a man goes swimming... Afterwards..."
"It shrinks?"
"Like a frightened turtle."
"Why does it shrink?"
"It just does."
"I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."
- George, Elaine and Jerry, in "The Hamptons"

For those of us living in the past I was just remembering the old TV show "You Can't Do That on Television!" It was a kids comedy variety show on in the 80's on Nickelodean. I was surfing over at the onion and they had an article about how all the kids who got slime poured over them ended up getting some kind of weird ailment. It also mentioned Alanis Morrissete was on the show. Wow, I don't even remember that. I guess she got her start somewhere. I'm not really a fan of hers(too whiney). It might be fun to go back and watch her get slimed whenever she says "I don't know" or doused whenever she says "Water". I wonder if she is ever asked a question and refuses to say "I don't know" because of childhood trauma associated with sliming? That would be funny.

"What do you think is in the burgers!" - Barth

Ok, today marks the beginning of my weblog. I'm not sure what to say. Ha! It's like why go through the trouble of setting this up and then not speaking. I've created a survey on the home page to see what kind of stuff you'd like to see on this site. I'm leaning more towards humor. Maybe I'll create a music section, resume section and other odd stuff. Last night I rented a movie online via cinemanow.com called Stuck On You. I'd give it two stars. It wasn't dreadful, but it was too long and had too few laughs. Anyway, I got on the web and found out about all of these people at the circus who had three legs and two heads. It's weird to see that even those people got married and had kids. The fact that they even survive astounds me. I mean, how can you be born with an extra set of legs and not have anything really physically wrong with you? I suppose you'd be like the 6 million dollar man - if what you did was better than normal. I guess you could play soccer better than the other kids. Now if you had two heads it'd be different. You'd be forced to get along with them because they're on the same body. I suppose it would depend on who actually controls the legs and arms. If you're just a head then there is not much you can do but enjoy the ride and talk. However, if you were to insult your brother and he got mad all he would have to do would be to put a gag over your mouth and you'd be just a useless head. Maybe some of us are useless heads anyways?

Today's thought of the Day

"It went straight to video. That makes me the premiere."
- Kramer, in "The Comeback"