Well, I guess if you read my last post your now expecting a date report. So as not to disappoint, here it is. We had set the date up to meet at Chili's at 7pm.  I actually got there early. My violin lesson ended at 6:30 and it took me 20 minutes to get there. So I decided to get a table. As I am sitting there I get a water and patiently await her arrival, with nerves of course. At about seven I see this rather large women being led to a table. My heart pounds -- please don't be her, please don't be her. She's not looking around so I figure it wasn't her. At about 7:15ish I decide, well maybe she's here I just don't recognize her. And then I look all the way across the crowded restaurant and see what I think looks like her talking on her cellphone sitting at the bar. So I decide to go sit a couple of seats away from her at the bar. I then proceeded to call her. She hangs up her phone and sees it ringing again. I look at her with my cellphone as we both say "hello" at the same time.  Then it's like - we're off. We had a very good get-to-know-you conversation that lasted about 2 hours. I am good at those, as long as she can talk a lot I am home free. There are always standard no-brainer questions that take up a lot of time. If she talks more than usual then I get a good feeling about it. She is beautiful, smart, funny, has a very good outgoing personality, is a Christian, volunteers for the red cross, is a nurse about to go to graduate school, and loves guitar. I got some good signs - she was playing with hair a lot. We shall see how things progress. The date just kind of ended when we were finished eating and the meal was paid for. I asked for a second date. She said "we'll see". So you never know.  I could've done something wrong, it's really hard to say. I don't believe in leagues, but if it's true she might be out of my league. I remember back in college I went out with this girl who I had a similar rapport with. But she never called me afterwards. I found out a year later that she had other things going on at the time and we actually ended up becoming good friends. So I know not to expect anything, but it's always fun to dream.

Thought of the day
Witness:  Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low, but he couldn't handle it.
Prosecuting Attorney:Buddy couldn't handle it? Was Buddy one of your crew?
Witness:  Right, Buddy was the bombardier, but it was Striker who couldn't handle it. And he went to pieces.
Prosecuting Attorney:Andy went to pieces?
Witness:  No, Andy was the navigator, he was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.
Prosecuting Attorney:  Howie came unglued?
Witness:  Oh no, Howie was a rock, the best tail-gunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.
Prosecuting Attorney:  And he bailed out?
Witness:  No, Andy hung tough, Buddy bailed out! How we survived, was a miracle.
Prosecuting Attorney:   Then Howie survived?
Witness:  No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.
--Airplane II

Well, seeing how tonight is my first date with a girl I met online, I figured I'd talk about the illustrius first date. Now I haven't that many first dates, but I have had a few. Most of the girls I have gone out with have been teachers. So what happens? They end up talking about their students, their projects, and their cats. And then I go to the door and always get a hug, never a kiss. I have by now written off the kiss on the first date. It is my belief that this is a myth perpetuated by high school guys to further their chances in "getting some". Although, I have seen some girls that would practically jump all over a guy if they found him "hot". They were probably the ones the high school guys actually convinced to get a first date kiss. My first dates are usually tame. Dinner and a movie, dinner and a comedy club, dinner and bowling come to mind. I still haven't mastered that dinner part. I am a very fast eater and will probably be done with my food before she even takes the first bite.  Another time I got the "death by chocalate" dessert and ended up spilling it on my pants. As you can see I'm very smooth. Alas, I've heard stories of my friends where the first dates were total disasters. One girl tried to belch the loudest and actually stole the silverware off of the table. "Jeff" had a date where the girl actually ate more than him. Another friends online date was nothing like her picture. Instead of a hot blonde he got a short, fat, mexican. So as I look at those dates I'm hoping that tonight can't be as bad as those. Wish me luck...

Thought of the Day
Navin R Johnson: You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say. [pause] "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.
--- The Jerk

      Today is an interesting day in annals of history. I declare it to be Women and Cars Day. Sometimes in history news events so momentous coincide that people have a tendency to group them into threes. Take for instance story #1: In India a 44 yr old women was so distraught at her boyfriend that she took a hammer to his car and smashed the windows and mirrors and hood, only to find out that his neighbors called the cops and that the car was in fact the neighbor's car. I can picture how "bad" she feels now, knowing that if it was her boyfriend's car she would be celebrating. Story #2: In Nashville a 22 year women's car careened off of another car and went right into a gas station pump causing it catch on fire. Another man who witnessed this pulled over to the left side of the road and ran over 5 lanes to rescue her from her car. She was lucky he noticed she was a 22-year old women. I can picture her saying "My Hero!" And finally Story #3: A 66 year old grandma came home one day and noticed her front door was open and a burglar was stealing all her stuff. He ran into his car to drive away. She wisely decides the only way to stop him would be to jump up and down on his hood. The thief, not knowing what to think, hit the gas and shook the old lady off of the hood. He got away with two acoustic guitars, a mandolin and a vinyl cooler bag. I can picture the look on the thieves face as an old lady jumps up and down on the hood. I can also picture an old lady with acoustic guitars strumming Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven".
      As part of "Women and Cars Day" we must all thank the women in our lives for not killing us and not destroying our cars, unless they already have. The traditional gifts to give on such a day - hands free cellular set, steering wheel covers, padded seat belts, car drink holders, a car fire extinguisher, or a "smash one item on my car - free pass". That last item really says "I love you."

Thought of the day
Henry Gibson:Although, so far there's no known treatment for deaths crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness.
-- The Kentucky Fried Movie

      Ok, it's only 9:30am and it's already turning into a bad day. You know one of those days when you wake up, a car is blocking your driveway, as a result your late for work. Then a cop pulls you over and gives you a ticket. Then your gas is too low as a result of waiting on the ticket, so you have to get gas. Then you are accosted by a homeless person at the gas station and give em a buck to go away. And now I sit here trembling, waiting for the next bad thing to happen, knowing full well that I will have another root canal this afternoon.  I am in the midst of a bad day.
      I saw the movie "The Final Countdown" last night - an old 80s movie about a ship that goes back in time to Pearl Harbor. I'm thinking what if I could go back in time and leave for work before that guy pulls into my driveway. All of this would have been avoided.  The cop would have been driving somewhere else, I wouldn't had to get gas, and I wouldn't have been late for work. I asked the cop for a warning. "Doesn't hurt to ask" as she hands me my ticket. I then asked her what a person can do to get a warning - because I've never got one. She said "officer discretion". I am thinking they have way too much power. Granted, the job isn't a good one, you have to wear those boy scout uniforms and have to get out in the heat a lot. But really, why waste all of that effort on speeding tickets? If I was going 100 in a 30, sure. But 40 in a 30 is barely noticeable (she said 43, but I know better). I even slowed down when I saw her.  I suppose the fact that I really didn't care about the ticket kind of did me in. My last defensive driving credit on my insurance is almost up and I can easily think of it as another tax I have to pay. So there is always a silver lining. Now if I could just find a time-travel portal everything else will fall into place...

Thought of the day
Rachel:[H]aving a bad day?
Mac:No, I'm having a terrible day. Say something nice to me, will ya, please.
Rachel:You have very strong lookin' thighs for a white man.
-- Loose Cannons

I saw the movie "Anchorman" this weekend. It was about what you'd expect with Will Farrell. Funny in some places, stupid in others. On the all I'd say it was pretty funny. The best characters were the ones that weren't Will. Like the weatherman who had an IQ of 43. He was hilarious. The leading lady was Christina Applegate. I will always remember her for Married With Children. Everytime I see her I think - Ah, Kelly.  The plot was different, which is good. I think we are all tired of all of the rewrites of the same plot structure. (Which is probably why reality TV took off). I saw "I, Robot" a week ago. That was really good. Nothing like the book, but good in its own right. Maybe they should combine the two movies and make a different plot structure. Call it "I, Anchorman" and have it be about an Anchorwomen that has to figure out if the Anchorman is Will Smith or Will Farrell. Have them change back and forth, and eventually the evil leader will be the Channel 8 Network News team. Or even better, combine all of the summer hits "I, Anchorman, Spiderman". About a Robotic Anchorman who can sling webs and crawl on buildings. It'll pull in millions...

Thought of the day
Al to Bud: "The Bundys' proud name was built on a philosophy of lying. Well, lying, owing money and perhaps beer. Yes, lying, owing money and beer. The only thing that separates us from the Kennedys is that they have money."
--Married with Children

 

By now you have probably heard about Ken Jennings, the software engineer from Salt Lake City, who has won over $1.2 million on Jeopardy. You might think, "wow, he's pretty smart" and I can't believe an ordinary man can win 37 consecutive shows in a row. But the real truth is Ken Jennings is no ordinary man, he's a software engineer. As a software engineer I can tell you exactly why he is winning. It's because of the "mouse". We software engineers over time develop an uncanny response to clicking and typing. For instance I can quadruple click in the time it takes an ordinary man to double click. We've figured out how to shave seconds off of our clicking and off of our cut and pasting. I've had bosses come tell me "It sounds like it's raining in here" Not only one finger but all fingers have developed (especially since I am a guitar player). I know your secret Mr. Jennings, and I bet I can click faster than you.  Now, knowing the answers, well that's another story.

Thought of the day
Final Jeopardy: What were the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis and Joan Crawford?
Cliff Claven: Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?
--Cheers

I was thinking last night about laughter and the different ways we use it. I was talking on the phone to a girl I met online. The first phone call is always the most nerve racking. Anyways, something she noticed is that after every sentence I would have a little laugh like "I went to the store yesterday. he he. I bought some milk. he he.What did you do? he he" I guess one of my ways of dealing with stress is laughing. The goal for me is to get her to laugh. I think I was able to do it ;-) When I try to do it I don't really have anything prepared I just try and make a situation funny. For instance we were talking about music. I said I would play guitar until I was in a nursing home. I can picture the attendants coming in the room telling me to turn the guitar down. I can picture other people blaring heavy metal and moshing in the nursing home. It'll be a completely different culture when we turn 80. Anyway that made her laugh, which made me laugh less , which made it all good.

Thought of the day
Ralphie (adult): Immediately my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with the blue button eyes stared sappily up at me.
-- A Christmas Story

In the corporate world people who have 2 weeks left have what is known as "Short Timers Disease" This disease affects hundreds of thousands of people each year. Its primary symptom is "not caring" about their current job. Other symptoms include taking long lunches, working slower, taking long breaks, taking off work early, surfing the internet and sometimes vocal remarks about management. What is the prescription for this horrendous disease? Wait 2 weeks and come in to a new job in the morning. Then your disease progresses from Short Timers to "The New Guy" disease. This one is kind of hard to break. It usually lasts for as long as it takes to get the first project done. Symptoms include - not knowing the culture, messing up, meeting people, finding a cohort, coming in on time, leaving on time, no surfing, and generally working real hard. I have found only one cure for this disease. I call it the "First Day in Prison" cure. Using the old saying that work is prison, one has to treat it like prison. The key is to kick butt the first project and then they'll respect you. Also, get to know who has the social networking skills and become their friend. Not only will you get gossip about the company, but you will be on top of the latest news and can be more prepared if a change happens.  I'm afraid that the real disease - "WORK" is fatal though. The only way to prolong your life is to do something called "Retire".

Thought of the day
Simon: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur.
Capt. Clarence Oveur: Gentlemen, welcome aboard.
Simon: Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer, Mr. Dunn.
Capt. Clarence Oveur: Unger.
Mr. Unger: Oveur.
Mr. Dunn: Oveur.
Capt. Clarence Oveur: Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work.
Simon: Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?
Mr. Unger: Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur, and I was under Dunn.
Mr. Dunn: Yep.
Simon: So, Dunn, you were under Oveur, and over Unger.
Mr. Dunn: Yep.
Capt. Clarence Oveur: Uhh, that's right. Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.
Mr. Unger: So, you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn.
Capt. Clarence Oveur: Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.
 
--Airplane

Well, you know that job interview I went on Monday. They called me up, gave me an offer and I took it. My new company will be EFG Companies Inc. Their URL is http://www.efgusa.com/
They are an automotive finance and insurance company. I will be a Senior Software Architect designing their new systems. It's alot more corporate then my last couple of jobs, and has alot more responsibilities. I think it'll be fun. Anyway, just wanted to update everyone, go back to surfing....
 
Joke
"The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on Wall Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and he warned executives not to cook the books. Afterwards, Martha Stewart said the correct term was to saute the books." —Conan O'Brien

I went on an interview yesterday. It actually went well - you know it goes well when they start introducing you to the crew. Along the same lines as thoughts from playing guitar here's some thoughts from the interview - things that I wanted to say. "Did he just ask me what kind of beer I drank? Ha ha, he thought it would be Bass Ale" "Nope, I'm not from Wichita Kansas, but I'll answer your 'What brought you to Texas' question anyway" "Nope, I'm not in the military, but was an air force brat, so I have no idea what that secret handshake you just did meant" "Why are you looking at my college and AT&T experience? That was like 6 years ago?" "Why are you telling me about your work experience? Isn't this my interview?" "Yes, I play guitar, that's interesting that you play drums, but why are you playing air drums right now?" "Nope, I never played sports in high school, what, do you want an extra player on your basketball team?" "Ha Ha, poker could be a sport" "How in the world does an automotive finance company get setup with homeland security projects?" "Nope, not married, is that good or do you want our wives to be friends too?" I am starting to figure this out. The higher you go up the ladder the less about the work it is. It's more about being "friends" with upper management. For me, it'll always be about the satisfaction of the work. Well, that and the money.
 
Thought of the Day
"So what is it you say you do here?"
"I work with the customer so the software engineers don't have to!"
"I just gotta ask, can't they work with customer instead?"
"What's wrong with you people? I've got people skills!"
---Office Space

Do you ever wonder what I'm thinking when I'm on stage? Aside from the "they like me, they actually like me" thoughts I think weird stuff. About every 30 seconds I'm thinking "jump up and down". Then I might be thinking, "hey, was that a UT cow symbol or devil horns?" Most of the time I'm thinking, "What in the world is wrong with my equipment?" I can never seem to get the perfect sound that I get at practice. So during song breaks I'll be messing with my levels on my amp and trying to get it right. Sometimes I turn my solo channel up way too high and blow the audience away. It's noticeable so the second I hear it I stomp on my pedal to turn off the volume. "Is that girl in the audience putting her hands over her ears?"  One time I even broadcast the Emmett Smith halftime show through my amp while I was playing. It kinda reminder me of the movie "Spinal Tap"  Nowadays I'm trying to concentrate on getting what I play right. "Did I just mess up?" or "Did someone else just mess up?" At the end of our set I like to put the guitar behind my head and dance around. That's when I'm thinking a hundred thoughts at once. "Does my bum look big?" "Is my underwear showing?" "Did I just shake it like a schoolgirl?" "Maybe if I get on one knee the audience won't notice?" "Am I still in tune?" "Did I just moon the audience?"
 
Thought of the day
"You see this amp goes to 11. That's a good amp."
"Why don't they just make 10 louder? Then it wouldn't need to go to 11"
"Yeah, but these go to 11"
-- Spinal Tap

Sometimes thinking about stuff to say is hard. But when all else fails I have a ton of funny memories that I can bequeath to you dear reader.  Take cars for example. I remember growing up how my sister was the one in the family who had the car. Being so close in age we did get to share it though. Now, I never knew much about cars. No one had taught me anything except how to check the oil. They never told me what to do once you check it. I just knew if it was low or not. This one time ,when I was in high school, I checked the oil and it was really low. So low in fact I think it didn't even have any oil in it at all.  So what do I do?  I get a regular funnel and oil, thinking to myself , "I need to put some oil in this puppy." However, when I put the funnel next to the dipstick hole the funnel hole was too big.  I figured we didn't have an "oil funnel" and proceeded to fashion one out of some construction paper I found in the garage. I then successfully poured the oil down the dipstick hole and into the oil pan. Logically I was thinking, "if I check it here, it must go here". Naturally when I checked the oil afterwards it said it was completely full. Ha, live and learn.
 
Thought of the day
Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up 'till now.
Jacobs: Well, let's see: First the earth cooled. And, then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died, and they turned into oil. And, then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And, Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it, he took her best summer dress out of the closet, and put it on, and went to town. 
--Airplane II
 

I was watching Reno 911 the other day and noticed how they always seemed to pick up people who were on drugs and naked. It is even that way with the real show Cops. It got me thinking. Was it the drugs that got them naked or the fact that they were naked and decided to take drugs? Does it make them hot, so hot that when in public all they can do is take off their clothes? I seem to remember hearing about how a man was paid by a company to be a streaker at the Superbowl. Something like he wrote the name of the company on his body, took off all his clothes and ran into the field. It all makes sense, he must've been on drugs. When they get caught it is even more funny. They always seem to fall limp whenever they get caught so the cops have to carry them off of the field. I'd hate to be a cop then. One cop will grab the guys legs and the other cop will handcuff him and the guy will be saying something stupid like "you put on some pants, no law against pants, you put on pants". As they drag him off the field the audience will be cheering, sometimes booing if he gets caught early enough. It might make for a new sporting event. Let's call it "Streakball". On one side you have 12 Dallas Police ready and waiting with riot sticks in hand. On the other side you have 12 streakers with various innuendos painted on their chests. Someone screams "Go" and they're off. Whenever a cop gets a streaker they put them on the side. If, in say 15 minutes a streaker is still on the field the streakers get a point. It'll be more popular than football. "Streakball" - coming to a Cinemax near you.

Thought of the day
Commandant Lassard: What is the most frustrating thing about police work?
Sgt. Eugene Tackleberry: Not being able to carry hand grenades, sir.
Sgt. Callahan: Separate locker rooms, sir.
Sgt. Carey Mahoney: Icky blue uniforms.
--Police Academy 4

I was in Best Buy the other day with my friend "Peety" and he noticed how every aisle he stepped in there would be a worker asking if he needed anything. It got annoying after a while, because if he wanted anything he would ask them. It's not as if we can't tell you work there by that blue shirt that says "Best Buy" on it. It makes me think about how they've arranged their help structure. Like make one employee responsible for two aisles and if you step on their turf, they own you. They're just perched next to their little computer staring at everybody walking down the road, waiting for that second when your foot hits their turf. "Can I help you? If you need anything just ask", they say with a brainwashed mind. I think it must be in their training video. However, that great service declines heavily when you actually say, "Yes, you can help me." Then you tell em your question like ,"I see all these HDTV's do you have any HTDV receivers?" and they look at you like you've spoken a foreign language. "Let me go find out" they say and then run in the back to watch a 5 minute training video on how to answer your question. Then they come back and say with pride "Nope, we don't have any. How about a VCR?"

Thought of the Day
'Ash' Williams: Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
Demon Woman: Who the heck are you?!
'Ash' Williams: Name's Ash . . . housewares.
--Army of Darkness

In the latest offbeat news, a man was actually found raised in a chicken coup in Kenya. Apparently his grandparents locked him in when he was a kid and forgot that he was a human. He must've looked like a chicken for them to make such a mistake. They say he picked up all of the mannerisms of chickens and he can't speak English. He just clucks. I seem to remember going to a website onetime about feral children and realizing that for some reason alot of them are raised knowing a different language. I wonder, if they can cluck like a chicken can they actually speak to them? Kinda like that boy who howled who was raised by wolves. Did he speak dog? Once they learn English they could make a killing on the talk show circuit. You don't need an animal psychic, you need Billy the amazing chicken translator!

Thought of the Day
Col. Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow!
Col. Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?!
Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to . . . ludicrous speed!
Col. Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if the ship can take it.
Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?

--Spaceballs

Greetings ya'll. I had a good rest this weekend (always needed when work sucks the life of ya). I also discovered something new about fish. Apparently they can look dead, but not be dead. So there I am, babysitting my friends fish while he's up in the mountains. The fish tank is on my fireplace making noise that sounds like a babbling fountain. I was able to put up with the noise for a week and then on Friday I decided to turn it off and relax while I watched a movie. I think I watched "Popeye" or some other brainless movie. I have a beta fish "Hendrix" and he doesn't need one of those bubbly things so I figured the fish could survive. Well I'm guessing that bubbly thing had something to do with getting the fish oxygen. I completely forget about it and went to bed. Well the next morning I get up and realize I forgot to turn the tank back on. So I go downstairs and look at the tank. Lo and behold the fish aren't moving. I bang on the tank. They still aren't moving. One of them is even floating upside down. I figure, well, I guess I killed his fish. I didn't turn the tank on and went to a scifi expo instead. I had my picture taken with a stormtrooper(nerd). During the day I'm thinking, maybe I'll buy new ones that are exactly alike, or pretend they die right when he gets there, or make it look like they are moving till he gets them home. The next day, after church, I'm home watching TV and I look over at the tank and see a fish run up to the side of the tank. I'm like "Wha? Their Alive! Their Alive!" Apparently the "pretend we're dead so he'll keep the tank off and we can get some sleep" trick worked and they we're ready for me to turn it back on. I don't think the fish like the noise either. Tricky fish.

Thought of the day
The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli." - George, in "The Marine Biologist"

I was watching Office Space last night, the story of my life, and started pondering the infamous million dollar question. The question is ,"What if you had a million dollars, what would you do?" Whatever you answer should end up being your occupation. One of the more funny answers was "two chicks at the same time". I'm more along the lines of Peter Gibbens - nothing. Well, at first. After 10-14 hour days programming since I started working 6 years ago I'm close to the burnout stage myself. I always wondered why there aren't many older programmers. I now know why. The prospect of doing nothing entices me a little. Heck, I'm practically doing nothing right now, but I am "At Work" I'm just not at work. I have alot of hobbies: guitar, violin, piano, composing, writing. I'd keep doing that stuff if I had a million, I just wouldn't program anymore. I've been coding since I was 9, I am now 29. That's 20 years of my life typing the same words over and over "IF" "ELSE". Let's extrapolate the word "if". That is a word that is used in every programming language since the dawn of time. My current project has the word "if" in it 800 times. I've been working since April. That is 200 "if"s a month, 2400 "if"s a year, and 48,000 "if"'s since I've started programming. If I program until I'm 65 that's another 36 years or 86400 "if"'s. Putting the grand total at 134,400 "if"'s written in my lifetime. If I had a million dollars I would become a writer and never use that word again. If you tried cut and pasting the word "if" over and over in a word doc, you'll come up with 1932 "if"'s a page. BTW, if you try it, you'll end up creating a "Magic Eye" that will see little squares in 3 dimensions. I still have a cool job, lots of money, in an office, with the sun shining, no real bosses to hound me, no office politics to contend, no coworkers that bug me. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I don't care anymore. Heck, not everyone likes their job, I just wish I didn't have to go anymore. Egad, there's even 16 "if"s , no, now 17 in this diatribe. Well, better get back to work.

Thought of the day
"We need to talk."
"About my flair?"
"What do you think about a person that does the bare minumum? You want to express yourself don't you?"
"Yes, this is me expressing myself, I hate this job, I quit!"
-- Office Space

"Sprinter, Age 100, Beat the Fastest Time, but Foiled by Malfunctioning Clock", "Man arrested after stealing 9-year-old boy's socks, has 500 pairs at home" , "French-only guide dog allowed at college, refuses to learn English", "Police Mistake Sculptures for Suspect, Dead Bodies"

I just love offbeat news. That's real news. I can only picture a 100 year old man running a race to be the fastest 100 year old and then hearing the judge say,"You're gonna have to do it again, our clock is broke." Or I can oddly picture a man jumping into a bed filled with pairs of boys socks and he says to himself,"Hmmm, not comfy enough, I think I need just one more pair." See, these stories are ones that make the reader ask more questions. They are so unbelievable they become real entertainment, that's what reality tv should've become. I mean, it's not very entertaining to picture a real news story - "Terror Alert Raised To Orange" What kind of story is that? I guess the more red it get's we're supposed to become more fearful, picture ourselves turning red? Eh, I rather hear about how a person who speaks commands to his dog in French gets kicked out of school because it's English only. I can picture him trying to teach him English,"Wee? Yes. Yes. Wee? No..." "Bark" Or I can see a dark park, police find what appears to be dead bodies on the ground. They walk over and feel no pulse. They then see a standing shadow. They scream at a statue "Get your hands up! I said get your hands up, or we're gonna shoot." bang bang bang... the bullet pings off the statue with the police going "Oh my goodness, we just shot a statue, shh don't tell anyone..."

Thought of the day
Cadet Carey Mahoney: Why do you wanna be a cop?
Cadet Karen Thompson: I like to dress like a man.
Cadet Carey Mahoney: Me too.
-- Police Academy

All this talk about high school takes me back to some funny moments. Most of them about "Jeff" and his misadventures. One time we all knew that his parents were out of town for the weekend and decided to have some fun. Jeff had a cold or something and was staying at his parents alone. So "Josh" decides to go to Taco Bell - the local teen hangout - and tell the world "Party at Jeff's!" "Where?" "Just follow us." I'd say that night Jeff had about 150 unwelcome visitors come to his house. When we got there Josh knocked on the door "Hey Jeff, we're gonna have a party." Jeff had thought that by turning off all of his lights on his house that we would think he wasn't home. Finally "Go away" can be heard through the door. So Peety, who lived next door, went home and called him. Another person pretended they were a cop, "Sir, this is detective Ronnie Milsap with the Wichita Falls police. Are you aware that you have about 150 people on your lawn? Are you also aware that there is a $250 fine for having that many people on your yard?" Finally through the door we hear Jeff scream ,"Everybody Go Away, Ronnie Milsap says there's a $250 fine!" I think we actually did leave cause it was obvious he wasn't going to let the party in. I remember seeing perfect strangers in the yard saying, "Where the hell am I?" ahh...memories...

Thought of the day
"Sorry folks, parks closed. The moose out front should've told ya"
-- Vacation

Well, this 4th of July was very uneventful for me. I've been working 12-14 hour days since last Monday. I need another vacation already. I did decide to catch a webcast of the Washington DC fireworks. I noticed some new ones like a smiley face and a peace sign. But it can't beat all the times in high school when the gang and I would go out to the lake and shoot off bottle rockets. We have this one guy, let's call him "Jeff" that for some reason could never figure out that we were pointing towards the lake and not away from it. I remember a tree catching on fire, a field catching on fire and a car being in the crosshairs. The funniest one had to be when the field caught on fire. It was actually behind a barbed wire fence. Now Jeff and I were rather lumbering and we argued who was going to go over the barbed wire fence and put it out, because I lit it and he shot it. While we're arguing of course the fire is getting bigger. Finally our friend "Cory" decides we were never going to do it and just let the field go up in blazes so he runs and jumps and stomps on the fire while we just sit there. Of course we do get a "harrumph" as he walks back to car, mad that we were going to let it burn. We, of course, knew he was going to do it anyway if we argued long enough.... Who says you can't be smart about being lazy? Tom Sawyer's the man.

Thought of the day
Bob Slydell: If you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

---Office Space

I was reading a story the other day about how Saddam was on trial and he didn't have a lawyer. If anything this trial of the century needs Johnnie Cochran. I can see it now... "If the WMD doesn't fit, you must acquit." "The Kurd people used racist remarks making this trial null and void" "What mass graves? This is a setup by the police, there aren't any mass graves."
Saddam even said he wouldn't sign anything without a lawyer present. I guess he can't plead the 5th like we do in America. Matter of fact I bet Saddam doesn't even know the constitution in his own country. All he can do is just plead.
"Mr. Saddam, did you ever order the deaths of 100,000 people?"
"I don't have a telephone that big,, err I thought I was dialing Dominoes,, err Bush is a very bad man, a very bad man"

Thought of the day
"I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up?"
- Jerry, after a good standup routine, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"

There's a new movie out called Fahrenheit 911. I'm not going to see it, but I can tell you they stole the concept from Reno 911. How do I know this? Reno 911 is a mockumentary - so is Fahrenheit 911. Reno 911 has cops in it. More than likely Fahrenheit 911 has cops in it as well. Reno 911 is a story about the political ideas of a secret society known as "The Police" and Fahrenheit 911 is a story about the political ideas of a secret society known as "The Democrats". The other day in Reno 911 they tried to move a 10 commandments stone from the courthouse (It was too heavy so they just wrote over it). I'm sure in Fahrenheit 911 they'll be writing over everyone's religious ideals. The most obvious similarity between the two is the number 911 of course. I know Ray Bradbury is insulted at the use of the word Fahrenheit , but I'm more insulted at the use of 911. When I was a kid I was told to dial 911 to call the cops, now if I'm ever in a bind I'll have to remember "Reno" to call the cops. If I remember "Fahrenheit " I might end up calling 32 or 212. There are differences of course. Fahrenheit has a big slob of a commentator who can't shave, while Reno has a gay guy who wears bicycle shorts and gun as a commentator. Reno uses violence and guns to solve problems in a humorous way while Fahrenheit uses selective creative editing and bad interview tactics to create problems in a hatred kinda way. How can I hate a movie I've never seen? Easy, the movie is in the previews. All you have to do is read reviews and synopses and you've got it. But the biggest difference between the two is one is filmed in Reno while the other is filmed in a vacuum.

Thought of the day
"Ma'am you're not wearing any pants, and why are you carrying that water heater?"
Reno 911