Ok, by now you're thinking "man, this guy can't hold a job". But it's
really the exact opposite - a job can't hold me. I keep on working
myself up the corporate ladder quicker than Lance Armstrong in a race.
This is just a prediction, but in two years I will be a Director or a
Vice President of a large company. Not many people know 26 languages
and can architect an entire application on multiple operating systems
from start to finish, do database design to front-end design, and code
standalone applications to web applications. I guess you could say I
am in high demand. I'm not bragging, it's just true. Well, it finally
has happened. The government got wind of my talents. A recruiter
called me up last week and asked me to interview. After a series of
interviews I finally got an offer today(more pay and benefits) and
accepted it. I will now be a Software Architect for the IRS. I think
it is really cool. I will be working on the largest system in the
world. For those that know me, there will be an extensive background
check. So if someone from the IRS calls you, don't get scared and hang
up. Also, for the first time I am burning a bridge. I really don't
want to work here anymore and I can't put much effort into it. So I am
going to forego the standard 2 week notice and go to the mountains
next week. I am going to quit tomorrow. I could just stop showing up,
or I could write a letter and mail it to them. I could write a whole
website in the time it takes for me to work for 2 weeks, but I don't
want to. I think I'll walk in to the bosses office tomorrow and say
"Umm, I quit, if you need me, I'll be in the mountains. Have a good
life!" For now I am quietly packing everything and saving all my
favorites and stuff. Little do they know....

Thought of the Day
"I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. I mean, let's face
it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo
a series of grueling interviews."
"Oh, like you really know busboys."
"Oh, like you do."
"Hey, at least I was a camp waiter."
"Camp."
"It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me."
- Jerry and George, in "The Busboy"

Today I was thinking about the dreaded telemarketers. Ever since the
no-call list was invented their tactics have become, well, rather
deceptive. Take for instance collections. I always let my medical
bills go to the first level of collections before I pay them (with
good reason, medical bills can be floating in the claims systems and
never get the full benefits, only when it goes to collections can you
be sure they've tried everything). What ends up happening is I get a
recorded message on my answering machine saying, "please call us for
an important matter". I suppose if they said who they were people
would never call. Problem is, if they said who they were I would call,
when they don't tell me who they are I don't call. Also take the
dreaded Timeshare scam. They are the most ruthless people I ever
talked to. Yesterday I get a postcard in the mail "Brain Bass - you
have won $500 or a Vacation or a Car or Money, please call". I made
the dreaded mistake of calling them. The guy wants to schedule me to
visit their timeshare in east-Texas. Then he says I am a guaranteed
winner. (I heard that you win $800 worth of coupons for the resort).
So as I talk to him I look up his company on the net. I found this
website called "Crimeshare" and it listed his company. Then he said
they are a multi-million dollar company and kept on asking me what
time I wanted to come in. So I said, "No Thanks" and hung up the
phone. You might, ok thats the end of that. Right after it, the guy
ends up calling me back! I couldn't believe it. Never has a
telemarketer called me back after I said no. I listed all the reasons
why I wouldn't go and then said "I'm hanging up now, please don't call
me back". And he hasn't. But golly, that is persistence. I think I
actually got mad. If you know me, you know me getting mad is a very
rare thing. I kinda admire the little fellow, wrawling me up and all.
Who knows, maybe I convinced him to quit his job.

Thought of the Day
"You know what they say, 'You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.'"
- Kramer, in "The Bizarro Jerry"

Ok, I was watching the Cowboys win last night on live TV and was
forced to watched the commercials. There is this really irritating
commercial for Capitol One where a doorbell rings that sounds just
like my doorbell. Now, having surround sound is cool, but when it
physically sounds like your doorbell is ringing that can be maddening.
Especially when you get up to get the door. Then there was another
commercial with a doorbell. I think it was Dominoes pizza. The slogan
was "Get the Door". I could have sworn someone had delivered a pizza
to me last night. I think the ad agencies are laughing their butt off
at us. Now whenever the doorbell rings I have to look at the TV and
make sure it isn't one of those irritating commercials. Then there's
the radio commercials where you hear police sirens and end up looking
around, or the ones where you hear tires squealing and you have to
look around. I think we need to censor such things. Keep swear words
in the movies and censor those doorbell sounds and car sounds. I'll
create an organization "Consumers Against Doorbell Sounds And Car
Sounds" or CADSACS for short. Who is with me?

Thought of the Day
"This is all in her mind, okay? She is insane. She thinks I made her
sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my
armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah... She's a whacko."
- Elaine, in "The Apology"

Well this weekend was fun. On Saturday my band went to Lewisville for
the "Ampifest" in the afternoon and then had a road trip to Norman
Oklahoma to play at "Mr. Bills". We even had fans go with us and
support us on Oklahoma. The shows went well, although the people at
these places were kind of sparse. The biggest thing at the Lewisville
show was the heat. It was about 95 on the concrete at the outside
amphitheater. I think I must've looked like a sweaty rock star while I
was jumping on stage. It was kinda funny. I'd get some energy for
maybe 20 seconds and hop up and down and then the heat would pull me
down. The other members were the same way. I must've looked like we
were all about to die. Like it was a sideshow at a circus "Mommy look
at the funny men, why are they panting?" We were all sweating and
dragging our feet. I turned my amp up way too loud and let the
vibrations create a little wind. Sure I was deaf, but I had a musical
air conditioner. Some members had towels to wipe their faces. I
envied them. If sweat was natures way of keeping us cool, nature sure
did a bad job. On top of that you end up stinking. I'm glad that show
was outside. Next time we will get one of those Micheal Jackson mist
fans and let it blow water on us during the show. Then we can all
moonwalk off the stage.

Thought of the Day
Charlie Bucket: [W]hat was that we just went through?
Willy Wonka: Hsaw Aknow.
Mrs. Teevee: Is that Japanese?
Willy Wonka: No, that's Wonka Wash spelled backwards.

Did you here about the inventor that just changed his name to "They".
No last name. Just "They". He said he wants to be the "They" that is
always talked about. Like, "They are all going to laugh at me". Now I
have heard of weird names before and "They" is definitely one of them,
but no one has heard of this guy I knew in college. His legal name was
"The Mad Hatter". He ran a magic cards shop outside of campus.
Obviously the store was called "Mad Hatters". His drivers license
said "The Mad Hatter" on it. He even ran for mayor of Lubbock and had
fliers that said "Vote The Mad Hatter". I guess technically his first
name was "The". He could probably sue "They" for plagiarism - being a
pronoun and all. I always wondered why he didn't always wear a hat. I
figured if your going to change your name you might as well act the
part. If memory serves me correct the mad hatter was a bunny in Alice
in wonderland. I figure he would dress up as a bunny and run around
and say "I'm late, I'm late". I guess he didn't like his real name.
Now I wouldn't think about changing my name. I figure when I get
married I'll do my damage on the kids names. Maybe name them after
planets like "Venus" and "Jupiter". I knew these kids who lived on our
block named "Sky" and "Stormy" - apparently their parents were
hippies. I could pick some cool hippy names like "Shadow" and
"Sunbeam". Eh, I think I'll stick with the old standby, "John"
instead.

Thought of the Day
"I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven."
"Alright, let's see... How about Mug? Mug Costanza. That's original.
Or Ketchup. Pretty name for a girl."
"Alright... You having a good time now?"
"I've got fifty right here in the cupboard... How about Bisquick?
Pimento? Gherkin? Sauce? Maxwell House?"
"Alright already!!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Seven"

This morning I was thinking about band names and what they mean. Take
"Corporate Red", whenever you type it in a search engine you end up
finding a lot of posts about Corporate Red Tape. My old band's name
was Red Krovvy. Notice the Red. Krovvy was actually a Russian term
meaning blood. We got it from Clockwork Orange. Finding a band name is
pretty hard considering most have already been taken. Colors seem to
work. Like Deep Purple, White Stripes, Black Sabbath. So if I ever
needed a band name quickly I'd pick a color, say Yellow and then pick
a cool word, say Gun. Therefore we have a perfectly good band name
"Yellow Gun". In the 80s letters were popular, like U2, UB40, INXS,
ACDC. Although it didn't take that long for all the cool letter
combinations to run out. Right now we have numbers like 411 and 741. I
think the next fad might be character signs like # and % and @. How
about #2# (pound to pound). Who knows where this whole naming thing
will go. Eventually all of them will be taken and it'll become generic
"Band122". Come see Band122! Followed by Band546! and then the
Infamous Band1!

Thought of the Day
"You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something?"
- Helen, to Jerry, in "The Watch"

In the latest offbeat news a man in Hartford was sentenced to more
jail time after he mooned the judge. I am thinking about "mooning" -
the act of pulling ones pants down and exposing one's posterior to the
world. I wonder how it began. From recent history I can see that 80's
movies show that mooning took place as far back as the 50s - and
that's as far back as tv-recorded history goes. I remember seeing
movies where whole groups of people would moon out of a speeding car.
I can see how people find it offensive, I mean your looking at
someone's bum. But what I don't get is how the mooners can't be
embarrassed themselves. I know I would be, maybe they look at their
own posteriors in the mirror everyday and think," You know my butt is
good looking enough for the world. Why should I wear pants?" or maybe
they think "My butt is disgusting, I bet others won't like it either.
Yeah, I'll get ole Smitty back, I'll show him my butt" Now the first
moon was probably a mistake. It has to be. It was probably at a high
school graduation in the 50s. Some moron probably forgot to put their
gown on right and didn't want to wear underwear. But when he goes on
stage to get his diploma it drops so he bends down to pick it up. Then
his gown falls down and he ends up mooning the audience. He probably
got in trouble, but respect from his fellow juvenile delinquents. And
that is how mooning came to be national pastime.

Thought of the Day
"You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker?"
"Yeah, what is he, some sort of an instigator?"
"That's right, he's a troublemaker."
- Kramer and George, in "The Mom and Pop Store"

Well, today marks the much anticipated release of Stars Wars on DVD
and Star Wars Battlefront game. Since me and my friends are huge fans,
we took it upon ourselves to stand in line last night and wait for
12:01 am at Best Buy.They had a promotion going on. It was a real
geekfest. First, you have the people in costumes. Dallas has their own
squadron of Stormtroopers. They basically stand around and people ask
them for pictures. Whenever they get their picture taken they get in a
karate stance and point their gun like they are shooting. Then you
have guys that look like Luke Skywalker and carry around lightsabers -
I own about 5 of these and actually did think about joining in the
geekfest. Then you have the regulars, people who wear Star Wars
T-shirts and have a Star Wars toy or two with them. Then there's the
Geek repressed(closet geeks) like me and Peety. We look at all of the
geeks and think "I can't believe that guy actually is in public like
this", but also we secretly think "I wish I had a stormtrooper costume
like that, but I'd only wear it at home". I looked at the geeks and
can summarize them for you. Star Wars geeks are typically between 25
and 35 and don't talk much of the time, but they are impulsive and
sometimes social misfits so you may see a geek or two speak up in a
large crowd and scream "Yes! John! I am waiting a long time!" or even
run out of Best Buy shouting "yeee haaaaw!". But they are also smarter
than the average joe so after such events happen someone with pipe up
with a wise remark that alleviates the tension. "His mother must be in
the car waiting for him." All in all, Star Wars geeks are regular
people, they just like Star Wars and can't seem to figure out why
others don't. But me, I'm a geek, but I'm cool as well.

Thought of the Day
"Do or Do not, there is no try"
Yoda in Empire Strikes Back

Well this weekend was a standard weekend. I went to a softball game,
jammed with some friends on Friday, jammed some more on Saturday, went
clubbing Saturday night, went to Sunday school and watched the Cowboys
win. I also saw another weird movie. It was called "Bark!" and had
Lisa Kudrow in it. It was about a women that acts like a dog and barks
all of the time. Her husband took her to a psychiatrist and to a
veterinarian. It was really really bad. Of course the movie does make
you want to bark, so you have to at least once during the movie. It
takes me back to my childhood... I remember when I was about 6 I
decided I'd like to be a dog and would get under the table after
dinner and bark like a dog. I guess I enjoyed barking cause I seem to
remember around that time period it was fun. People would come over
for dinner and I would get under the table and bark and my parents
would say "That's just Brian, he thinks he's a dog". I guess I was
pretty weird. At least I didn't stay that way, and thank God I wasn't
a cat.

Thought of the Day
"You have any pets?"
"Just my next-door neighbor."
- Gavin and Jerry, in "The Dog"

Today I was thinking about zits. You know those ugly little things
that pop-up on your face from time to time. I'm 29 and I still get em.
I remember when I was in junior high I used to have them alot. "Pizza
face" was a common term. Now you'd think that this would affect only
me, but apparently family and friends always had something to say
about it. Like I was doing something wrong. Common phrases were "You
know, it's got to be the chocolate" and "I think you might be drinking
too much coke" - those were from the older folks. Younger ones said
"Maybe if you put gasoline over your face before you go to bed" I'm
glad I never did that one - otherwise I might've woken up on fire.
I've heard - "You need to wash your face all the time" and "Try
popping all of them". "Quit yankin it" was a favorite one. Finally it
got so bad I ended up at the dermatologist who gave me antibiotics,
which did work. It makes me think of how wacko my friends and family
really are. Like if I had an infection on my hands they'd tell me to
throw salt on it and pray to buddha. I just need anti-biotics and
it'll clear up this one zit right away; then I'll just pretend I put
gasoline on my face.

Thought of the Day
"You don't touch the nose. You don't aspire to reach the nose. You
don't unhook anything to get to a nose. And no man has ever tried to
look up a woman's nostril."
- Jerry, in "The Implant"

I was thinking this morning about laziness. Now most people who know
me think that I am a lazy person and wonder how I survive. The answer
might surprise you. I am actually not lazy. I am picky, not lazy. I
choose what I want to spend energy on and I do it with all of my
energy, all other tasks are an afterthought. Now if that is laziness
then yes I guess I am. For instance, I remember growing up, my stepdad
would make me mow the yard. A task that I hated supremely. Now because
I hated it and didn't want to do it and procrasted about doing it I
was deemed lazy. Yet during that time I procrastinated I was learning
computers and guitar, something that has served me better than having
a cut lawn. Like somehow I was supposed to like physical labor. I
guess it was my procrastination techniques that made me lazy - like
mowing one strip and taking a break. So here they are - follow them
and you will do well:

1. Do the things you like to do and don't do the things you don't like
to do (say that really fast)
2. Organize your tasks in a way that expends the least amount of
physical energy.
3. If you are doing something you don't like to do, make sure you put it off.
4. If you really have to do it, do it in the most efficient energy
expendable way
5. If possible get someone else to do it (by using the Tom Sawyer Method)

The Tom Sawyer Method is kinda what I fashioned my youth after. I was
amazed when I watched the movie when I was a kid about his methods. He
was punished and told to whitewash a fence and instead pretended it
was really fun and then got all the other kids to do the work for him,
while he stood back and "supervised". It was then that I learned that
there were ways to get around working. I took that a step further and
found out that if I pretended to be stupid and acted like I had no
idea how to do something I could get others to do it. Ahh, youth...
Nowadays I can't do that cause well, they'd fire me, plus I actually
do like my job.

Thought of the Day
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Ah, what's there to talk about."
"Well, at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about."
"Why don't you talk with her about how there's nothing to talk about?"
"She knows there's nothing to talk about."
"At least she'll be talking."
"Oh, shut up."
- George and Jerry, in "The Stand-In"

In other news, a man in Harrisburg was sentenced to probation for
taking the toupee off of a sixty year old man. He did it on a "$100"
bet. He said,"Hey I was triple dog dared". I often wonder at the old
toupee stigma. It's like is it better to be bald, balding, or have a
toupee? I'm reminded of the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine rips
George's toupee off of his head and throws it out the window. Then on
Liar Liar where Jim Carrey rips the guys toupee of his head and sticks
it to a wall. Apparently people can tell if its a toupee. I guess
that's the real stigma, like your cheating. I suppose if you had a
really good one then no one would know. I often wonder what I would do
if I was bald. I probably would wear hats alot. It's better than
wearing a toupee and people wouldn't think anything of it. However, it
might be true that wearing hats makes people go bald, or maybe that's
an old wives tale...

Thought of the Day
Elaine - "I hate this thing! and this is what I'm doing with it!"
- Seinfeld

Following my usual course of watching off-the-wall movies I watched
another one last night. It was called "Stealing Harvard" and had Tom
Green and Brodie from Mallrats. It really had nothing to do with
Harvard, just someone getting money to get in to Harvard. It was one
of those funny-weird movies. This takes me to the subject of Harvard,
one of the top schools in the country. If you've ever seen "The
Apprentice" then you know that they always have at least one person
who went to Harvard School of Business. And they always have an
elitist view of themselves and such. Now I have nothing against
Harvard, matter of fact my father went there. But Harvard seems to be
a place where just by going you can be proud. No one ever says "I went
to Harvard and had straight Cs". It's like not everyone who goes to
Harvard has straight A's there. Maybe to get into it you have to, but
really all you have to do is to get into it. The grades afterwords
don't seem to matter. Even my sister who was valedictorian in high
school didn't graduate from Rice with a 4.0. I remember a couple of
jobs ago I worked with someone who went to Harvard. I told him what to
do and he didn't seem all that smart to me. Maybe it's just the saying
"I went to Harvard". When I was in high school I went to Harvard - to
take my sister to check out the campus. No one ever asks details, like
they'll be offended or something. The next times someone brags to me
and says "I went to Harvard." I'll say - "Did you pass?"

Thought of the Day
"Hello, Ma? It's me. Guess where I am? In the back of a limo. No,
nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't.
I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it. All right,
look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you. How's this - I'm never
telling you. I don't care. No. Fine. Never!"
- George, in "The Limo"

In other news, I have released my companies new website. It took me 2
weeks and heavy working with marketing to get this site up. The url
is:

http://www.efgcompanies.com

also my band has released a new website (I didn't do this one):
http://www.corporatered.com

Well this weekend was a standard Brian Bass weekend. Jammed at my
place on Friday. Played Frisbee Golf on Saturday(I'm still sore), went
to church/sunday school and watched the Cowboys win(see previous
post). At church we had a guest speaker Chuck Norris. He was pretty
cool, he joined our church and promoted his new book. I figured I'd
get him to sign it and give it to mom - who has a broken ankle. It was
a long line and I got to shake his hand. 11 years ago when I was in
high school, my step-brother and I stopped to get oil for his 1971
green beat-up ford truck "The Hulkster". The first thing we see coming
out of auto-zone is a guy that looks just like Chuck Norris. The first
thing he says is "I'm not Chuck Norris" Apparently he got told that so
many times he always told people that before he even said hello. At
the time he did look an awful lot like him and we still thought he
might have been him even though he said he wasn't. When I shook
Chuck's hand yesterday and looked at him I finally knew the answer to
that question we asked 11 years ago. Nope, he definately wasn't Chuck
Norris, he was just a guy who had stubble and wanted people to think
he was. I suppose if he really didn't want to look like him he should
have shaved.

Thought of the Day
"To cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple because I think if
they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it make you sound
casual."
"Yeah, like a farm boy."
- George and Jerry, in "The Phone Message"

Ok, as many of you know I am a huge Star Wars fan. The great trilogy
came out when I was a kid and I can't but think that the 80s was the
decade of movie-making (I know Star Wars came out in 77 but it
continued its popularity in the 80s) The eighties saw Star Wars,
Indiana Jones, ET, Gremlins, Star Treks and host of other top 20
films. As a result of us loyal fans, the filmmakers have decided that
we need to give them more money for the great service they provided in
the 80s. George Lucas started off by making Episode 1 - which most
people agree was way over hyped and was a disappointment because of
the hype. Episode 2 - which was better, but half of the people who
saw Episode 1 didn't see it because of the prior disappointment.
Episode 3 will be out in May and I bet it is better than 1 and 2 but
even less people will see it. Then comes an announcement by Mark
Hamill(Luke Skywalker) who said he would do episodes 7,8 and 9. If it
is possible for one man to bleed something to bone it would be George
Lucas. The original trilogy will be on DVD at the end of this month,
in which George Lucas has changed some things around. The fans just
want to see the following - Han shoot things, Luke fight with his
lightsaber, Vader kill people with his mind, Chewie growl, and Leia
wear a golden bikini. That's it. That's all. Instead we end up getting
a new movie "Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith of the Jedi of the Empire
Strikes first"

Thought of the Day
"So what your saying is that in Return of the Jedi, the people who got
killed on the death star we're really innocent contractors?"
-- Clerks

In other news a new restaurant has opened up in Chicago called
"Smokin' Chicks". Now most people bring denominations of dollars in
the hopes that they will see something. But much to their dismay they
find out it is only a chicken restaurant. Naming is everything. In
Lubbock there are some names like that. There is a bar called "He's
Not Here" and for Texas Tech students there is a dance club called
"The Library". All so you can tell your parents you went to the
library this weekend. Make me think of naming my own restaurant - "The
Gym". It'll be a barbecue burger joint that forgoes all this diet
stuff. Guys can tell their wives - "Yeah I went to the gym today".
"That's funny, you seem to be getting fatter." I'll have a specialty
double burger called "The Workout". All so people can say yeah, I sure
did have a workout at the gym today. I'll even have a membership card
that gives people free drinks. I'll call it the "Gym Membership". Each
food will have a different name. Like fries will be called the
bicycles. Cheese fries will be called the Treadmill. I'll make a theme
of it all. If anything can get me to go to the gym that would be it.

Thought of the Day
"I can just hear you getting fatter."
-- Tommy Boy

In the latest british news 10,000 people were studied and it was
concluded that single people die sooner than married people.
Apparently being single takes years off a person's life. As does
smoking, skydiving, policework and being in a band. Well, since I am
single and I am in a band, I can only conclude that I have little
years left. Once I hit the big 30 I might as well take up smoking and
skydiving, become a cop and see which one kills me first. There is one
thing that makes sense in this study. They say that it is the poor
diet of single people that probably does them in. I can see that. I
eat Spaghetti-Os for lunch and pizza or hamburgers for dinner.
However, it is mighty tasty. Now I guess married couples eat better
because the odds are higher that someone knows how to cook and they
can watch what each other eats and say "tssk, tssk" if it is bad.
However, I don't know if I can eat the stuff that most people eat;
even if I was married I would eat the same. So that can't be it.
Maybe single people die earlier because they don't have someone to
call 911 if they have a heart attack. Or maybe it's because when we
are sick we usually go to work anyways. I am waiting for the study
that says single people have more fun. That would justify it all.

Thought of the Day
"I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today."
"Really?"
"We were talking about our lives, and we both kind of realized we're
kids. We're not men."
"So then you asked yourselves, 'Isn't there something more to life?'"
"Yes, we did."
"Yeah, well let me clue you in on something... There isn't."
"There isn't?"
"Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry, marriage?
Family? They're prisons! Man-made prisons. You're doing time. You get
up in the morning, she's there. You go to sleep at night, she's there.
It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. 'Is it alright
if I use the bathroom now?!' And you can forget about watching TV
while you're eating."
"I can?"
"Oh yeah. You know why? Because it's dinnertime, and you know what you
do at dinner?"
"What?"
"You talk about your day. 'How was your day today? Did you have a good
day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I
don't know, how about you, how was your day?'"
"Boy."
"It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs."
"I'm glad we had this talk."
"Oh, you have no idea."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Engagement"

Well this weekend was great. It's nice to have a three day weekend.
This weekend I saw some live shows in Deep Ellum, went to a Texas Tech
football game, barbecued, had a Lan party, and slept. Yesterday I
watched movies - I saw the Passion(great movie), The Bad Seed(1956) -
(freaky movie) and watched some Seinfeld. The bad seed is this really
old black and white movie about a little girl that kills people. I
guess it was the precursor to movies like the Omen and Exorcist.
Except it wasn't scary as much as it was a thriller. It makes you ask
the question - what if your daughter turns out to be an 8 year old
homicidal maniac? This question should be on everyone's mind. I mean
behind their cute faces lies someone who would kill you at the
slightest misstep. There's a reason why some parents spoil their kids.
I think it is because deep down they know they could be killed in
their sleep. That's why they put all sharp things out of their reach.
Not for the kids safety, but for their own. I suppose if I had an 8
year old homicidal maniac for a daughter I'd do the same. I might even
insist I lock her door at night, clean the house of all things that
could be used as a weapon, and maybe just maybe check the backyard
every once in a while for fresh graves. You just never know.

Thought of the Day
"I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood."
- Jerry, in "The Blood"

Today I would like to talk about something important that's just
starting to hit the news. By the end of next week I expect people to
say "What election?" The title of the news story is "Bruegger's Bakes
World's Largest Bagel; 868-Pound Bagel is Guinness World Record."
Finally a record we can all be proud of. The largest bagel has been
baked. I can't even say that 5 times real fast. Where did it happen?
In Syracuse, NY. Made with over half a ton of dough, 900 gallons of
water and 53 pounds of malt. I can only think that the world's largest
glass of milk is needed. Now, bagels used to be a mystery to me. If
you don't know me I am, by all accounts, the world's pickiest eater,
which is a record in itself. I used to go to work and think that
bagels had nuts in them, vegetables in them, or some kind of weird
cream filling. I would shy away from them, thinking to myself, "where
is the glaze?" Finally I had someone explain to me that they were just
bread. All of a sudden a whole new item was added to my safe to eat
list. Then it happened. I bit into a bagel and it had some kind of
weird fruit. Of course my face is always full of expression when
something like that happens. It's like somehow a food got into my
mouth that wasn't allowed access. It snuck in through a back door. I
have experienced this before with cream filled donuts and supposed
fried cheese that turns into fried okra. I wish there was some way to
tell what's in those pastries that we love to eat. I don't even touch
muffins - cause 90% of the time they have something in them. They're
like distorted cupcakes. I guess the moral of the story is "Be wary of
a bagel or a donut, you never know what you're going to get."

Thought of the Day
"We have a bonus ultra-reality stop today. We're going to be hauling
muffin stumps to the local repository."
"We're going to a garbage dump?"
"And we're off!"
"You know, I never thought he'd be able to recreate the experience of
actually knowing him, but this is pretty close."
- Kramer, a Tourist, and Jerry, in "The Muffin Tops"

I think I have discovered a new time portal. All of physics and
science will now change as a result of this discovery. It is
momentous. The first major discovery of the 21st century. You see, I
woke up late for work today. Wait, let me take you back farther. This
past week has seen varying times of me leaving for work - 7:25, 7:35,
7:45 and today 8:00. Here's more info. I drove the exact same route
every day. There was not any wrecks to slow down traffic. I stopped at
all of the same lights multiple times. But here's the discovery- I
arrived every day at the exact same time - 8:30. For some reason there
seems to be a time portal that either pushes me forward in time or
backwards, just to make my arrival 8:30. I'm thinking If I leave for
work tomorrow at 8:30 and I arrive at 8:30 my hypothesis will be
proven, and I will be awarded the nobel prize. Or, I will be proven an
idiot and awarded the white elephant prize.

Thought of the Day
"You think people will still be using napkins in the year 2000? Or is
this mouth vacuum thing for real?"
- Kramer, in "The Millennium"

Last night the band scrapped practice so I had some time to watch a
weird movie on cable. The reason why I have the pay channels is that I
get a chance to watch movies I would never think about seeing in the
theater. I reason you get your money's worth if you watch enough of
them. Now, entertainment quality is something else. You usually get
what you pay for. Last night's feature presentation was a weird move
made in 1997 with Christopher Walkin called "Touch". During the 90's a
new style of movie making was born. This style, probably brought on by
"Clerks" and "Seinfeld", is basically a style that involves lots of
dialog with no real meaning, sometimes even confusion. Like there will
be one scene where a guy goes - "I heard he was beating on her, now
that she is no longer blind she can see him coming so he stopped
trying" in a quick sentence while people are driving in a car. The
viewer has no idea what the characters are talking about, but yet it
seems funny, so they say it. Quick plot synopsis - it was a movie
about a guy who heals people, gets a stigmata, and then gets the girl.
Now, Christopher Walkin has to be one of the coolest actors. In this
movie he plays a guy exploiting the character, yet he throws in some
anti-stereotypical humor relating to his main mojo. I think it was
during this time period that he made a music video with a band and
spontaneously danced on the ceiling. When people think you are serious
all the time and you do something off the wall, people will be drawn,
looking for the seriousness in humor. I eat Chef Boyardee Spaghetti
and Ravioli every day at lunch so much so that my coworkers are going
to start calling me Chef Boyardee.

Thought of the Day
"Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch at home?"
"Well, why go to a fine restaurant when you could just stick something
in the microwave... Why go to the park and fly a kite when you could
just pop a pill?"
- George and Kramer, in "The Gum"