Ok, this morning I awoke excited and I have to say I will probably be this way for a while. I can't wait to see what is in store for us. I am thrilled and overjoyed just at the thought at having a son. I am ready, willing and able to do the job. It is going to be fun. It is going to be an adventure. Today I have already chatted with all of my coworkers. It is weird. It is like I am becoming more friendly and am very happy. I think my gaurd has been up for a while and is now falling.

Even though the CBT therapy is now over I gained some insight into myself. I am now cognitive. For one, she detected a chemical depression and diagnosed me with moderate depression. It was mostly chemical but the ridesearch failure did have something to do with it. So she gave me zoloft and now I am like no longer lethargic nor anxious. I haven't had heartburn in a while and panic attacks are way in the past. I actually feel like a normal person. I am ready and willing to workout, serve the Lord, play guitar, play with my kid, and be a good husband and father. It is hard to describe. Like I no longer just want to sleep all of the time. Most of the verbal therapy was kind of useless cause I never did what she suggested but I was able to take from it the tool of visual imagary to calm myself. Why didn't I listen to her suggestions? Well, she looked at me and said,"I have become your mother haven't I" and I was like, well, I have never liked being told what to do by anyone and it probably started with her. So we both came to the conclusion that I was going to have to figure out a diet and exercise plan that works for me.

I think I have had depression for most of my life and I just never realized it cause I didn't know I wasn't supposed to not have energy, feel tired and lethargic and not want to do anything. I was always called lazy so I just told myself I am lazy. Reality is, I had been depressed from a very young age, probably starting from the divorce or even neglect before then. She also helped me let go of my childhood. Apparently I was harboring alot of anger towards everyone, with good reason, but it is not needed now. So I packed it all in a box and gave it away to God. That was very freeing. I had a breatkthrough. I never realized it, but I see it now. It is like there was always something in the back of my mind saying "I am angry at everyone, so I am going to be mad and do things out spite. I am right and the world is wrong." I basically repressed a lot of emotions and it affected alot of my personality and ego. So now I do feel like a new person. It is cool.

When I was in high school my personality test type said I was an introvert. I took it the other day and it now says I am an extrovert. I have definitely changed. But, enough about me. I am through with me. The reason why I reveal such things is that my behaviour is common in others and I now want to help others. If you find yourself avoiding people, wanting to sleep, not happy, stressed and obsessed about work and life then you may have depression. The way the therapist described it is it goes in waves from happy to sad and the peaks get higher and lower as time goes on, so if you don't do something about it it may get worse in the future. You don't even have to see a shrink. Just tell your regular doctor about things and they may prescribe you something. Its time to be honest with yourself and with others. I now do not feel ashamed about taking zoloft. Matter of fact it is like that head and shoulders commercial. "But you don't have depression." "I know."

So now I am ready. I am going to be a father. A good father. I will always be there for my child. I will provide, protect and most of all, love. I will guide him and teach him. I will put God first in our household. I will teach him how Jesus died for our sins. He will grow up in a loving household. He will have parents that actively participate in his life. We will go to church and learn from spiritual leaders. I will teach him liberty and how we are free in Christ. I will teach him the value of friendship, how to work technology, and other fun stuff. It will be great. A new person. A blessing. Thanks be to God for this miracle of life. Next time I post, Brennon will be here.