As a precursor to today's story let me tell you about something that happened when I was 16. I had just got my drivers license. I was thrilled that I could finally drive myself and go anywhere I wanted. I think most 16 year olds are. Of course I never owned a car in my teen years. Instead I used my sisters car when she wasn't using it. She had a white Pontiac Lemans that was pretty comfortable. Well, one time I noticed it was low on oil. So I went and got some oil from the store and proceeded to figure out how to put it in the car. Naturally, being a logical person I knew that I checked the oil at the dipstick place, so if I poured oil into it then the oil would get to where it needs to go. Of course I had to find a way to get oil down that little hole. Even a funnel wouldn't fit. So I went into the garage and got some thick paper. I then proceeded to twist it and turn it into a funnel. It actually worked. However, oil somehow did not end up in the car. Later on when I told people I heard laughter. Apparently you are not supposed to put oil in the dipstick hole. I felt like an idiot.

That brings us to last night. So I get off work at 6. I go out to the parking lot to see mom's van still sitting there. I then get it in and turn the key. Nothing, not even lights. I looked at the battery and just knew it had to be the battery. I thought a jump might work. So I call Holly, then Pepper who was driving home. I then go into the building and a the security gaurd does not have jumper cables, or do jumps. Wonderful, they are sooo useful. So I call Holly. So she arrives about 6:30 with Brennon crying in the car. We hook up the jumper cables and nothing. Not even the headlights. I figure the jumper cables don't work. I also figure that the battery is dead. Now I have changed a battery before so I thought this is doable. So I find an autozone nearby. Keep in mind this is a ghetto autozone. I buy a battery and proceed to go back to parking lot.

So there was this expandable wrench in the van and I used that to remove the bolts keeping it in place. Except there was this one bolt that was on super tight. I could not get it off. It was holding a metal plate that was keeping the battery in place. I try and try. Then Holly tries. Later on when I removed it I realized we were turning it the wrong way. Apparently the whole righty-tighty, lefty-loosey thing confused me because the wrench was at the bottom of the circle. If it is on the top of the circle it is true, if it is on the bottom you need to go right to get it loose. Whoops. Anyways there was corrosion. So I try to pry the metal thing off the battery using a flathead screwdriver. I start to hammer it into the bottom of the battery to get leverage. Suffice it to say, battery fluid started leaking over everything. It even started leaking on the bolt. It still didn't work (of course since I was tightening it). So around 8:30 we go back to AutoZone and I get a torque wrench and some bolt loosener.

Holly wants me to hurry because her and the baby is in the car and people hanging outside are watching us. So I get the stuff and get back to the car. I spray the bolt loosener on it and wait a couple of minutes, during which time I try to figure out how to get the torque wrench extensions out of its hard packaging. Finally I got it. I go and unscrew the bolt and find out I was going in the wrong direction. I then place the new battery in its spot. I try to put the cables on it and am forced to hammer the negative one on because it is very tight. Finally I shout in victory. I did it. I replaced a battery. Then I get in the car and turn it on. Nothing. Not even lights. Frustrated I give up and we go home, thinking about how it had to be the battery. Holly took me to work this morning and I called a service place to tow it away.

This morning as I was fading in and out of consciousness on the drive to work I was thinking, are negative poles supposed to be black plastic? I remembered one time when I replaced a battery I had to take it off. So when the tow truck driver got there he opened it up and said,"Ah I see your problem, you still have the plastic on the negative." So I took it off and put the contact back on and I saw lights. Apparently my front lights were on. I bet that is what drained the battery. So I get in and try to start the car. Nothing. Then he tightens all of the wires. I start the car. It worked. The guy said that happens about twice a year. I am sure they are laughing at me now. Lesson learned. I guess I am one of those guys who can fix a massive computer problem yet can't change the oil or change a battery. At least I can change a lightbulb.